Divine order indeed. Today’s prompt from A Year of Writing Dangerously by Barbara Abercrombie is exactly my emotions right now.
Write about a time you were disappointed.
That would be today. An hour ago.
Tears were shed. Tears that rose up from the deep. Hot, frantic tears that blend pain of today with pain of yesteryear. Tears that run down and reopen wounds, so those hurts rush in and a whole river pours out.
I’m one who believes in letting the river come… ride the rapids because really they only last for a few moments. Don’t try to gulp down the pain, hold back the tears and what debris they bring. Let the feelings go.
I tried to breathe deep. To calm myself. To slow the river. To let this go as it is only my reaction to something beyond me. Outside me. I was not brought into it and of course, that is the root of the disappointment. The anger. The fear.
I breathe and cry and make those terrible sounds you make in a good, ugly cry… those sounds that signify there’s been a new crack added to your heart… another chip to the shoulder… another scar only you see. And then…
Then, my whole body seems shaken. All my nerves touched and alert. Some wave has rippled through me because of this disappointment. I am changed.
I rushed to google to see if my questions were there. They were but in a completely unsatisfactory way. I keep breathing, processing, moving along with the river and then…
Then a clarity comes. A conviction has been lit from this soggy, messy wood of disappointment. Something caught fire inside me regardless. Like the time the guidance counselor offhandedly told me I had no chance to get into the college I was thinking about. The one I attended. The one I graduated from.
Yes, I’ve done a good many things that surprise even myself.
So thank you, disappointment, for the river ride this afternoon. You’ve just poured gasoline on my soulfire.