Fire in the Heart

I am so behind, I think to myself.
I recognize it’s an extremely self-defeating statement. I hear it in the morning first thing; I work to feel more “caught up” all day. But it’s won. I’m slowed. I’m defeated.
I’m also slightly pissed off and there’s the hope within it all. The small fiery spark inside me that might just fire up this woman again.
Cause her to be audacious.
Cause her to use her gifts and voice.
Cause her to achieve some of our goals!

As I look at my day, I realize I’m trying many things, maybe too many things? I don’t know. The cloud of self-doubt has been hanging around too. But the point of this post is not to be “doom and gloom.” I am trying to document how I am making progress… how I am helping myself.

Yesterday I began reading Fire-Starter Sessions again by Danielle LaPorte. And there in its first pages are the words “soul fire.” This book was the first time I’d heard the phrase and instantly felt the resonation, the recognition in my bones, in my soul itself.

This was one of those books that really shifted me. The first time I read it was about ten years ago when my son was really young and my spirit was really low. And this time reading through I’m going slow and with a rose gold highlighter in my hand.

I’m not usually a person that take a highlighter to a book. Maybe it’s because I’m a big libnrary person and try to keep books in the best condition as possible for returning. But this book won’t be returned. I do not have many in this camp, but there are a few books that sit on my shelves that are worn and dearly loved who will not be donated or tossed no matter how many times we may move.

Three quotes from the book to give you a taste…

“Gratitude is a feedback loop that will show you where you are thriving.” ― Danielle LaPorte

“We get so many societal messages about what the Right Dream is that it gets hard to decipher what our own dream is.”― Danielle LaPorte

“Self-doubt is so insidious that it not only renders us stuck in our lives, but it also actually weakens our ability to dream about what living unleashed would look like.”― Danielle LaPorte

If you’ve read the book, I’d love to hear your favorite quote.

So yes, I’m reading Danielle. I was big on Mel Robbins for all of March and April, watching a video daily. But now I’ve drank from the McConaughey koolaid that’s part of the Tony Robbins realm and so that all of these experts are occupying my time. lol I’ve got Brendon Burchard on audible right now telling me six more habits I need, weekly Dean Graziosi talks to attend live and of course, McConaughey “Greenlight” videos to watch.

I’ve also just signed up for some writing workshops and joined a women-only soul circle group. Plus my schedule has me weekly going to group meditation to try and relax.

And let’s not forget daily “escapes” into workong my procrastination and relearning Spanish through phone apps.
All in the name of strengthening myself. relighting myself.

But here’s part of what I can only whisper at 3 this morning… what I know in my soul. What I’ve believed since I started this blog and had a whole envisioning of what Soul Fire Adventures would evolve into one day.

I know the answers. I know my gut. I know what needs to be done. I need for the world to get quiet. I need to stop filling my days with all these other voices and sit and listen to my own. And then… and here’s the toughest part for me these days… is to take the actions to achieve what I want. To take the actionas all the way down the road… way past comfortable and my “zone.” I know I’m filling my days, postponing what I need to get done because I’m filled with self-doubt. And I keep hoping I’ll here soemthing from “outside” myself that will make the doubt and the anxiety disappear.

I need for everything to “go away” like it did back in our college years and 20s. Where we could just focus on ourselves instead of the myriad of roles we play as humans interacting, especially women in this society. That’s my dream for Soul Fire is to create a space, a place where women can come for a week and find the quiet and resources to start revving themselves back into action too.

I need huge chunks of time in the day to play, to explore where my instincts take me and where I won’t feel pulled back by obligation, by needing to feed others, by needing health insurance, etc. And quite plainly I need energy. I need more energy and more confidence again in myself.

But I need to stop pretending I don’t already have it within. It’s the same where I keep thinking I need to take a new course of learning, read a new book, etc. Yes, I’m curious but I also know I’ve got all this knowledge and wisdom within me to share, give voice to and use for my own goals.

Why why why do I keep seeking someone else to tell me how to walk in the arena when I know all it takes is my legs to move forward? Why why why do I keep seeking a talisman or mantra or other style of shield to help me find the courage to enter? I know and have experienced the “feel the fear and do it anyway.” I know it’s all here waiting on me… waiting for me to get out of my way… to walk back into the light… to use this voice and just let it go, see what the sound is for better or for worse.